Vive Le Difference: Psychology Today article condones controlled doses of taboo

"Twisted?" taunts the fuschia headline across the cover of the August issue of Psychology Today. Pictured is a woman clad in a sexy vinyl domme outfit consisting of a corset, short shorts, evening gloves, thigh-high, lace-up platform boots, and an eye mask. A bullwhip rounds out the ensemble, as if to menace the reader into delving inside to find the rest of the photo spread, and at least reading about the "7 Taboos that are Perfectly Natural" that the racy cover promises to deliver.Kudos to PT for running a cover story that reframes what it means to be twisted and revisits the time-honored question: just what does it mean to be normal, anyway? The article, by Kathleen MCGowan, explores 7 of what she calls "taboo impulses": slackerdom, gallows humor, aesexuality, kinky sexual fantasies, keeping a secret, being a loner, and favoritism of one child over others.

While the discussions of the different taboos at first seem randomly chosen and strung together, they are all bound by the sense that you really can't talk about any of them to just anyone, and any of these things can induce guilt, shame, and a feeling that one is abnormal. The theme of every section and of the article overall is that there is no normal, everyone has urges, thoughts, fantasies, and practices/lifestyles they think might make them a freak, at least in the eyes of the world. Differences often signal genius and strength. We know this, but we get waylaid by the power behind taboo, culture's own psychic police. The way to differentiate whether a particular taboo is a problem is if this taboo practice or fantasy is part of a wide range of experience and preference or if it takes over identity and/or the personality in ways that are problematic. In the case of sexuality, the author of the article uses the example of someone who cannot become aroused without the presence or thought of the fetish (such as a man wearing women's underwear) as opposed to the fetish or kink being part of the range of this person's sexual experience. If you can only be turned on in the presence of the fetish, it is defined as a paraphilia.

The photo shoot of the blonde in full domme regalia, even if she did look like she just raced her Rav 4 across town from the Victoria's Secret Shoot, set down her skinny latte, dove into a corset and grabbed a bullwhip, had me thinking that the entire piece would focus on sexual deviance and kink as a taboo. (Ah well, you gotta sell magazines. What better than a titillating image to do that? It got my attention. See, I'm still talking about the bullwhip.)

The section on sexual fantasies, while encouraging people that their fantasies are ok as long as they don't veer into paraphilia territory, doesn't offer much assistance to the types of people that might come to me for therapy: people who are often already engaged in practices that society might not deem as normal, and need some assistance figuring out how to fit this part of themselves into the rest of their lives.

"A little bit of kink," the author claims, "is a good thing if it spurs open-mindedness and a spirit of adventure." As to whether or not or how to have adventures, she's pretty mum. The article didn't mention active BDSM communities, or those engaged in nonmonogamy, and the alienation that often comes when looking for life partners that not only understand but nurture and share their interests. It didn't mention how to navigate boundaries with a partner, how to negotiate safety, or any of the things you'd actively do in order to engage your kink side. The article begins and ends waaaay back at the place of "you aren't a freak if you think about getting spanked."

And that's fine. Because, as a barometer of where psychology meets popular culture, PT just might be heralding a wave of tolerance that threatens to break through as a cultural norm if we can just collectively get over ourselves, our hang-ups, and the way we think things should be. To that end, I'm delighted that MCGowan, a former PT senior editor and freelancer based out of New York City, a hub of the cultural paradigm shift, wrote about many different lifestyles that constantly get accused of being abnormal. Such as people who don't like sex at all, don't crave it, and don't feel that this is a problem.

Or people who are introverted. They may like people, may be socially adept, but need huge stretches of time alone to recharge from the draining effects of being around them.

Or mommies who secretly have a favorite. (I knew it!)

She even mentions those tender guardians of collective unacceptable thoughts, postsecret.com in the section on secrets. I would have liked to have seen an exploration of the childfree lifestyle included among this group of different drummers.

It's valuable to be reminded that normal is boring for the most part, and often signals someone who wants to be liked more than someone who is psychologically healthy, let alone doing the work of self-realization. Any reminder that it's ok to be yourself and find your own way is a good thing.