The Primary Love Relationship

This is the traditional committed partnership. When two people meet and fall in love and committ their sexual and emotional energy to one another, and establish a mutual lifestyle and behavioral norms. A primary love relationship can refer to a monogamous or polyamorous couple. The primary love relationship is the one you set up a home and family with when you are looking to do that. The term is borrowed from polyamory, where "primary" relationship" denotes the initial partnership, the partnership where the most internal and external resources are invested.

Falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences in the world. It is also psychologically problematic. Falling in love causes our own boundaries to collapse, and we experience a merging with the other person. The focus is on what we have in common with the beloved, strong chemical reactions are occurring in the brain, and our physiology changes. And there we are, high on love. And inevitably, the high crashes. Actually, when the crash occurs is when a deeper kind of love and partnership can begin. We see our partner's weaknesses and they see ours. Reality sets in. We get the opportunity to learn when to yield and when to stand firm, and this matures us and our boundaries.

A lot of people could spare a lot of pain in primary relationships if they were more thoughtful about whom they choose. Strong chemical attraction can mask compatibility, and we'd all do well to test potential partners for healthy boundaries, emotional maturity, buddy potential, lifestyle compatibility, and finding one another's humor truly funny.

Like a car, relationships need maintenance. For that matter, so do our Selves. All that maintenance can seem like a lot of work. And the work turns into many unpleasant conversations. Which turn into arguments, which spur on behavior like criticism and withdrawal, and maybe even anger, abuse, and violence. When we fail to take care of ourselves, it is that much easier to put all the expectations of our care into our partner's hands. Who may not even have a clue how to take care of their own Self. It can feel very difficult to avoid criticising, blaming, judging your primary relationship partner when their behavior seems to be created with pushing your buttons in mind. And these harsh behaviors do tend to slow down the maintenance work even more, creating more talks and arguments, until the reasons that you fell in love feel hazy and remote. When our partner becomes more real to us, warts and all, it is harder to idealize them. If you can't idealize your partner, then you have to work harder at taking care of yourself.

The thing that makes love so special--that you lose yourself in it--can be the very thing that makes it dangerous. A healthy relationship is one that can fluidly move back and forth between the relationship unit and the healty separation of two distinct human beings. It's ok for a couple to disagree. It's when we communicate to our partner that they are not allowed to disagree when we get into trouble. This can be communicated quite effectively by shouting, pouting, withdrawal, defensiveness, and emotionally crumbling.

Another thing that makes a primary love dyad strong is if both partners have a vision for what they would like to get out of a relationship and that they share it with one another. Many times, when we check in with each other about the relationship, it comes out sounding negative and critical. What if we were able to brainstorm collaborative possibilities and share our own truths in a positive context? In order to get there, the inevitable baggage on both sides will show up, and we should be prepared for it. Relationships are designed to make us grow. They are an incredible opportunity to heal all sorts of things, if we can be honest with ourselves and start with our own behavior. The ongoing, dynamic goal of relationship is a balance between healing and working out issues and just having fun and enjoying the relationship. In a lot of ways, we don't need to be in relationships for economic reasons anymore. If that's the case, then what are they for? Fun is not trivial, enjoyment and aliveness are vital. They are to be found many times over in all sorts of relationships and friendships, especially the primary love dyad.

Communication, trust, respect, and an ability to let go of the past are the keys to a strong ongoing relationship. How we get there is a little different for each couple. That we want to go is a testament to our strength, and to the power of love.